


a love supreme seems far removed

by FeralCreed



Category: The Losers (2010)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Jensen is the Cougar whisperer, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Post-Canon, Post-Movie: The Losers (2010), Protective Cougar, Team as Family, a mission goes south and things get really bad, he also almost dies and Cougar blames himself, it's a quick mention don't worry, of course it takes a near death experience to get these idiots to admit they like each other, unbeta'd sorry but i think i did okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2020-03-07 22:20:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18882394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FeralCreed/pseuds/FeralCreed
Summary: Jensen helped plan this mission and he's proud of himself for it. It's going great, they're on their way to a smooth finish and a quick evac - until he gets shot in the chest. Cougar blames himself, but worst of all, he never told Jensen that he loved him. Even when he has the chance, he can't make himself say it. So maybe it's better if he just avoids Jensen, figures out how to live without what he really wants, and hopes his team doesn't get involved. Who is he kidding?





	1. Chapter 1

“And you're sure this is a good idea?” Clay asked for what felt like the eighteenth time. 

“Yeah, of course!” 

Truth be told, Jensen couldn't help but feel a little bit insulted at how everyone seemed to have a million questions about his plan. Except Cougar, of course, because Cougar never really said anything. He was sitting a few feet away, cleaning his rifle on the couch, with his head tilted at an angle that kept his hat covering his face. He only looked up once, with a different head tilt and curious eyes that simply made Jensen more frustrated because it meant he was optimistic but also somewhat dubious. 

“Come on, what's the worst that could happen?” 

One eyebrow went up as Cougar leaned back ever so slightly. _What, you want a list?_ he asked, clear as day. But his following neutral expression and calm eyes conveyed a trust in Jensen's decisions that Jensen appreciated, and he gave the other man a slight nod in return. The rest of the team was starting to answer his hypothetical question in a very un-hypothetical way and he sighed, tearing his attention away from the only conversation that was making sense to try to pick out any points he needed to address from the overlapping chatter. 

It was a solid plan, as far as he was concerned. They set up a meeting with the drug lord that had been advertising stolen tech, fronting as a terrorist group, and Jensen was sent in as the nerdy underling with instructions to confirm that they would get what they were promised. He checked to see if it was legit, got what information he could in the process, and uploaded a virus programmed to wait sixty minutes before attacking the system core. The team would be long gone by the time it all went up in smoke. 

But of course his team had to try to tear his great idea apart in search of any weak spots. He kind of appreciated it, because it meant that they didn't want him to get killed. Still, as he felt obligated to point out, Cougar would be settled in at some high vantage point from which he could see everything, Pooch would keep their getaway car running, and Clay and Aisha would be right next to him as a show of security from their side. In the very, very unlikely event that something went wrong, he would be well protected. 

He couldn't help but look over at Cougar as he said that. All the Losers cared about him, he knew that. But their sniper was always the first to realise when he needed somebody, and the one to sit next to him in companionable, comforting silence. Even among their family, his relationship with Cougar went a little deeper. Most importantly, he was the only one that got to even come close to touching The Hat. Contact was still out of the question, but he could wave his hand near Cougar's head without the other man automatically jerking back or swatting him away. 

“What do you think, Cougar?” Clay asked. Jensen couldn't help wondering if it was because he wanted input from everybody or because he had seen where Jensen's gaze went. 

Cougar ignored them as he fit the piece he was holding back into his rifle and checked that it was secure. Then he set the gun aside before getting up to join them. He leaned over the map and satellite images of the facility without saying a word, bumping his hat up with his thumb in a way that meant he was thinking. Finally he tapped a spot on one of the pictures and gave Clay a serious nod. Picking the place he wanted to set up to shoot from, Jensen realised, and smiled at the support. 

“Great! I'll get to work on programming the virus and it'll be ready first thing tomorrow morning. Or whenever this guy wants to set up the meeting, because who knows how drug lords think, especially when they have something pricey and dangerous on their hands. Let's hope he hasn't already sold it, because that could cause some problems. But except for that, I mean, I think we really have this in the bag, right?” 

He was met with varying expressions, none of them unconditional agreement, but he didn't let it get to him. Instead he grabbed his laptop and went to sit down next to Cougar, who had already gone back to rebuilding his gun. The man didn't acknowledge him in any way, which was pretty normal. But there was a slightly pleased expression on his face. Jensen chose to believe it was because he had decided to come over and join Cougar instead of keeping his laptop where it had been on the table.

* * *

Their meeting was set four days later and Clay started drilling them about the plan. Cougar was going to ride in the same car as them but leave half a click from the base. All attention would be on the front of the base, where the other four were making an appearance, and he'd easily be able to slip in under the radar. Jensen would do what he did best while Clay and Aisha guarded him, and Pooch kept the car running. Cougar would stay behind to make sure that the virus worked properly – a decision met with indignation from Jensen no matter how many times it was brought up – and would then meet them at a rendezvous point in the nearby town. 

Everyone was impatient to get going that morning. It wasn't related to Max, it was just a good old fashioned 'do the right thing' type of mission, and Jensen couldn't help but think that they needed it. They'd all gotten caught up in revenge after Bolivia, and honestly hadn't been thinking straight with how badly they wanted it. It had cost them Roque. He was pretty sure he wasn't the only one who thought that. And even though he trusted his team now... he'd trusted Roque too, had for years. The only unconditional trust he really had was for Cougar. 

“Good luck,” he said as Cougar got out of the seat next to his. The sniper shut the door behind him without a word and stepped off the road into the knee-high grass. Jensen twisted in his seat for a better look at his teammate. The other man rarely ignored him like that and it made him curious. He caught sight of Cougar glancing over his shoulder with a rare smile, a true one, and couldn't help an answering grin. Cougar had known Jensen would be looking for him, and that smile was something private rather than directed toward the whole team. 

It felt nice to have something for himself, he thought as he turned back around and adjusted his seatbelt where it was now cutting into his neck. To give Cougar time to get to the base at the same time as them, they'd have to wait half an hour here in the road. Fortunately it was out of sight of the base, thanks to the mountains they were in, and they'd placed a motion activated camera another click down the road so they'd have a heads up if anyone was about to join them. Jensen felt his heartbeat pick up in anticipation when they started moving now. Just another few minutes now, and they'd be in sight of the base, and then there was no turning back. 

Pooch stopped to let them out and then parked so the car was already pointing towards the exit. Cougar had let them know a few minutes ago that he was in position. It left the other three members of their team standing in front of a building waiting to be granted access. After putting so much work into planning this, it felt vaguely insulting to basically be put on hold. He could tell nobody liked it very much. Jensen hated waiting, and as the minutes bled into one another, it started to get slightly concerning. Had they been made?

* * *

“Jensen, you trust me?” 

“Why?” 

It wasn't an 'I need to know what you're talking about before I can say either way', it was a 'yes, of course, what's happening?' From the soft huffs of breath across the comms, it wasn't taken that way by their teammates. But Jensen knew that soft little hum of 'I trust you too' that came from their sniper's throat before he spoke again. 

“He's not going to touch you.” 

Ah. He'd told Cougar, once, about what his childhood was like. Shown him that scar he always said was from a pissed off ex and talked about the time he was thirteen and his drunk father had tried to attack his sister with a steak knife. According to Cougar, Jensen found it incredibly ironic and sad that he was only able to talk about it when he was drunk himself. Jensen truthfully hadn't remembered much of what went on after the booze came out. 

But he could still picture the tenseness in Cougar's shoulders when Jensen had given a full body flinch while they were walking. Someone had started yelling out of nowhere and he hadn't been able to control his reaction. Cougar hadn't said anything at the time, but he'd found Jensen late that night, set an open bottle of rum between them, and bumped his hat back before fixing him with that steady gaze that said he expected his question to be answered without fuss or delay. _The man in the marketplace,_ he'd said, and hadn't made another sound for an hour. After half the bottle or so, Jensen had started talking. 

The words that had passed between them, and the time it had taken, were lost to the fog of alcohol. Most of all, he remembered Cougar's hands framing his face and the burning intensity in Cougar's voice as he swore that he would always keep Jensen safe. And Jensen trusted him. Even though they all had each others' backs, there was a special flicker of warmth in his chest to know that Cougar was looking out for _him_. Whenever there was a situation like this one, the sniper found a way to give him a heads up so he wouldn't be walking into it blindly. 

“Thanks,” he said softly, and could just picture the there-and-gone-again pleased look on Cougar's face. 

The heads up made it a lot easier to face an unexpectedly irate man without flinching. He had to admit that it was a near thing, that his posture was still tight and nervous. But he really wouldn't have been able to sell his role if he swaggered in there with the utmost confidence. Or at least that was what he told himself, what he would tell the others if they asked. He wondered if Cougar's breathing was steady because he had a shot lined up on the man, or because he was angry at what Jensen's body language was saying and was trying to control himself. Probably both, if Jensen had to guess. 

For a guy who never said more than five words at a time, and had an impressive resting bitch face, Cougar felt things deeply. It had taken Jensen a while to realise that. But once he'd started to understand how the other man communicated, it had been impossible to miss. He cared about his teammates more than anything and looked out for them with a unique brand of thoughtfulness. It was an easy thing to miss if you didn't recognise the signs. Jensen found it breathtaking. 

He also found himself distracted, thinking about Cougar as he moved practically on autopilot. They were going to be on the move as soon as they picked him up at their rendezvous point. If the drug lord figured out they were responsible, they wanted to be far away from here when he did. But when they stopped for the night, maybe he could convince Cougar to go out for a couple beers with him. Going out for the night was a tradition after a successful mission. Assuming nobody was in the hospital, anyway. 

It would be fun. And if there was a pool table, he knew that Cougar wouldn't be able to resist a game or two. He was handsome when he was planning his next move, Jensen had to admit. Tilting his head in that _I'm thinking hard about this_ way as he rubbed his fingers together to get rid of any cue chalk staining them, eyes sharp and calculating. It was hard to win against him, but absolutely impossible when he acted like that. He was pretty sure the damn man did it on purpose. Jensen was distracted just thinking about it. His fingers slipped on the keyboard, and then someone started yelling. 

* * *

Jensen hadn't expected to get shot. It was clichéd, he knew, but it was the truth. And in that one moment, between the click of the gun's safety being removed and the blooming pain in his chest, he looked up to where he knew Cougar had set up. Maybe he was hoping he could see him one last time. That the sniper would somehow be able to tell him that it would all be okay before the comms exploded into chaos. 

The only thing he heard after impact was a sharp, choked noise of agony from his earpiece. _Oh, Cougar,_ he thought. _Don't feel like that for me._ He stopped breathing before he hit the ground. 


	2. Chapter 2

Someone asked if Jensen was going to live and Cougar could only give a helpless shake of his head. 

“I don't know,” he choked out. He's never said those words before in the field, never had reason to. But he's still reeling from what happened. The drug lord had drawn his gun and shot Jensen right in the chest. Cougar hadn't seen it coming, and had wasted precious seconds frozen in shock, staring at Jensen's body through his scope, until Aisha had opened fire. It had startled him out of his trance and he'd started shooting, defending his team even though he couldn't shake the mental image of Jensen slumping to the floor. It would be bad. Chest wounds were always bad. 

Clay had started CPR as soon as he could, managed to get Jensen to breathe again. But there had been a horrible, raspy sound every time he inhaled, and it made something ugly twist up in Cougar's chest. Jensen had a collapsed lung and extensive internal bleeding. He knew that just from where the bullet had hit. What happened next depended entirely on whether or not they could get him to a hospital, or a doctor, just anyone that could do more than him. Because right then all Cougar could do was hold Jensen in his lap as Pooch drove like a maniac, keeping pressure on the wound as prayers spilled endlessly from his lips. 

He didn't know what he'd do if he lost Jensen, but it felt like his heart would stop at the thought. When he'd joined the team, he'd been slow to warm up to any of them, and most of them had been wary in return. But then their techie dived right into befriending him and had lured the others into accepting Cougar before they even decided whether or not they liked him. He'd just lost his unit, grief-stricken and aching for any of it to make sense. He hadn't wanted another family. They'd given him one anyway, and he'd known from the start that he had Jensen to thank for it. Maybe that was why, even from the very beginning, Jensen had always meant the most to him. Made it all seem like home. 

“No me dejes, por favor, te necesito. Te amo.” It felt like a revelation and something a long time coming all at once. He tilted his head down, grateful that the brim of his hat blocked out everything else and made it seem like it was just the two of them in their own little world. He pressed his forehead against Jensen's temple, voice shaking as he said it over and over. “Te amo, te amo, te amo.” 

There was no way it would help, but a part of Cougar was relieved to know that if Jensen heard anything, it would be that someone loved him. None of the Losers had ever really talked about their past relationships unless it was to brag about a good lay. And Cougar had carefully maintained his womanizing reputation while he was in the army. Letting anyone know that he was bisexual would have gotten him kicked out, and getting a crush on a teammate? That was just asking for trouble. Hell, getting a crush on anyone wasn't the best idea in his line of work. He couldn't remember the last time he'd said 'I love you' and meant it. But Jensen – he could make an exception for Jensen, he could do anything for Jensen if it kept him alive.

* * *

They made it to a hospital. Pooch drove right up to the ambulance entrance, yelling and laying on the horn, and Cougar was fumbling behind himself to get the door open before the car even came to a stop. Everyone was staring at them, moving out of the way and probably thinking they were madmen. Hospital staff started yelling that they couldn't park there and had to move. Then they saw Jensen, the blood all over Cougar's hands and shirt, and started shouting for a stretcher instead. Cougar helped to transfer his teammate onto the stretcher and tried to follow them, but suddenly Clay was there in front of him with a hand on his chest. 

“Stand down, Cougar, stand down. They've got him. They're gonna get him patched up.” 

“No, él me necesita,” Cougar argued, shoving past him. But then Pooch was there too, and Aisha, and the three of them were too strong for him. He couldn't get past. Instead he had to watch as Jensen disappeared into the depths of the hospital, nurses shouting at each other over his body. Jensen was the life of the team, the one who never stopped moving or talking, and to see him like that? It scared Cougar. 

Especially since there was nothing he could do. Aisha had gotten directions to the waiting room, and he knew that Clay was watching him to make sure he didn't try to sneak off. It was a new thing to be worried about, a sniper being a flight risk. But at the moment he wasn't very interested in thinking about the irony. He could only sit there, waiting for any kind of news. Jensen was in the operating room alone. If something went wrong, Cougar couldn't help him. Even if he'd been allowed to be there to watch the doctors, he didn't have the knowledge. Stitching up wounds in the field was far different from lung surgery and there could be no guesswork or uncertainty involved. 

It didn't help that the surgery lasted nearly four hours. Every time a nurse came into the waiting room to call someone's name, he tensed up, but none of them asked for the Losers. For a moment he wondered if the nurses even knew who it was they were waiting for. Yes, he realised, they would. He still had Jensen's blood all over him and they had made quite an entrance. The kind that people remembered. They would have to find a way to get out of here as soon as they could. Someone was bound to call the police, and he didn't like the idea of getting caught in a shootout. He just didn't know where they were supposed to go. They had no backup or extraction plans, not any that would work with Jensen's injuries. The only bright spot in this entire situation was that they'd killed the drug lord and all his people, so there would be nobody chasing them to the hospital.

* * *

Finally someone approached them, and Cougar was on his feet before his teammates had even looked up. 

“Alive?” he asked, his throat tight. 

“Your friend made it through the surgery,” the nurse reassured them with a smile. “There were no complications but he will need to be on bed rest for at least three weeks. Right now he's resting upstairs in room 283. It's probably going to take him a few hours to wake up, but you can see him now if you want. Visiting hours are 9am to 9pm.” 

Clay had questions for the nurse, but Cougar was already moving towards the stairs. The elevator was on the fourth floor, which would take it too long to get here, and he didn't want to share it with other people when he was in a rush. He took the stairs two at a time and all but ran down the hallway once he got to the second floor. It only took a minute to find the right room number. Jensen was there, still unconscious, and far too pale. He took the chair near the window and moved it closer to the bed so he could sit down, his knees brushing the sheets. He took his hat off and set it on the bedside table as he studied his teammate's face. Far too pale, but at least for the moment, Jensen didn't seem to be in pain. 

The others showed up a few minutes later, but Cougar didn't look at them. They talked quietly for a few minutes, about what the nurse had told them, about Jensen's chances of waking up. He tried not to listen until Pooch said his name. The rest of the team was going to get a new car and work out a plan to get out of the country, the other man told him. None of them mentioned any expectations for Cougar to come with them. Somebody had to stay with Jensen until he was awake, and it was no secret that he and Cougar had one of the strongest relationships within the team. As much as Cougar hated being predictable, they knew he'd be distracted until he saw Jensen wake up. He needed to stay here. 

They left him alone, and Cougar sat back in his chair. It would be at least an hour before the anesthesia wore off. After that, it would just be a waiting game, one he wasn't very eager to play. He wanted Jensen awake, rambling about something meaningless, sitting next to him as he cleaned one of his rifles and didn't need to say a word in return. But there was no other choice. The minutes ticked by as he waited without a word. Finally he saw Jensen's fingers twitch, and Cougar's gaze immediately moved to his face. Was he-? 

Jensen's eyes opened. 

“Hola,” Cougar said softly, putting his hand over Jensen's. “I'm here. It's okay.” Jensen turned his head to look at him, blinking several times before he gave a crooked smile and quietly whispered 'hey'. It wasn't a lot, but it was so much better than the silence and stillness that had dominated the room for hours. Cougar finally felt like he could breathe. He should probably be calling the nurses, stepping back to let them do their tests, but he just wanted them to have a minute alone first. He hadn't known if Jensen was going to live or not, who could blame him? 

“Where are we?” Jensen asked, voice rasping in his throat. “Don't – we need to go?” 

“Hospital. Not yet.” 

“The mission?” 

“Successful.” 

“Sorry I fucked it up.” Jensen paused, taking a shallow breath, and Cougar was about to say that he didn't have to continue, that it wasn't his fault. “I was thinking about you. And I guess I got distracted.” 

Oh. It wasn't Jensen's fault at all. It was Cougar's. He let go of Jensen's hand, ignoring the awkward screech of plastic against linoleum as he pushed the chair back. The blond was staring at him, confused, and Cougar couldn't meet his eyes. He reached for his hat instead, setting it back on his head and relieved that it blocked Jensen's gaze. 

“I'm going to get the nurse,” he said. 

“Cougs? What's wrong? Hey, wait!” 

He didn't even shake his head as he left the room. The nurse moved quickly when she heard that Jensen was awake, and Cougar could hear all her questions from where he stood by the door. But he couldn't go back in there. It was his fault that Jensen had been hurt. Despite promising he'd keep the man safe, he hadn't seen the damn drug lord reaching for his gun, hadn't been quick enough to shoot first and keep this from happening. He hadn't been good enough. Jensen – Jensen was never going to forgive him for this, for failing him, for nearly getting him killed. And he'd been the catalyst for it all in the first place. 

When he heard Clay's voice down the hall, near the elevator bank, he left the doorway and went in the opposite direction. He couldn't face them right now. Pooch complained all the time about not being able to figure out what Cougar was thinking, but there was no way his emotions weren't written all over his face. The other Losers would be able to take care of Jensen far better than he could at the moment. He just needed a few minutes to himself, was all, and then he'd be able to go back. He just hoped that in the meantime, Jensen wouldn't tell their team what had happened. He didn't think he'd be able to face them if they knew. Even if they didn't figure out that Cougar loved Jensen, even if they didn't hate him for that, he'd become a liability. He would have to decide what to do about that, but for now... for now, he just tried not to think of Jensen, pale and still in a hospital bed, and how he'd been responsible for putting him there.


	3. Chapter 3

It was almost three weeks since Jensen had gotten hurt, and Clay was getting more and more irritated with Cougar. There was usually no separating his sniper and his techie. But ever since they'd gotten Jensen out of the hospital, Cougar had barely even looked at him, and had only touched him once, when Jensen lost his balance and would have fallen flat on his face otherwise. As soon as Jensen had stabilised, Cougar had drawn his hands back and left the room as soon as possible. It was the first time they'd spent more than a few days apart and they were throwing everyone off balance. Even though they were somewhere safe, the atmosphere around the safe house was tense to say the least. From the beginning, it had been Cougar-and-Jensen, and even Clay had to admit it was a little unsettling to always see Cougar alone. 

“Cougar, why don't you come outside with me for a smoke?” he asked, tapping a box of cigarettes on his palm. It wasn't a suggestion. He could tell that the other man wasn't happy with it, from the way Cougar's shoulders tensed and his fingers stopped moving over his weapon, but the sniper got up to follow him. When the door shut behind them, Clay didn't speak immediately. He lit a cigarette and sat down on the lowest step. “What the fuck is going on between you and Jensen? You two have been joined at the hip for years and now you won't even look at him. It's upsetting the team and it's going to cause problems if you don't get your shit together.” 

“It's nothing.” 

“Bull-fucking-shit.” 

“Jensen talked at the hospital,” Cougar said, finally, after a long stretch of silence. “About what happened. He thought of me. Got distracted. Got shot.” 

Clay gave a heavy sigh. “And you blame yourself because you think that's your fault somehow? Listen, Cougar, you might be scary good in a lot of different ways, but you cannot control what other people think. Jensen made a mistake on what should have been a milk run and got hurt. It happens. You keep beating yourself up over it and things are just going to get worse. In three weeks, you've disrupted this team more than I've seen in three years.” 

“Not trying,” he gritted out. 

“I know.” Clay sighed again, tired this time. “Look. You're a good guy. You're a necessary part of the Losers. And if you're worried about us caring that Jensen was daydreaming about you, or that you were saying you loved him, we don't. Not unless it's going to blow a mission or compromise team integrity. Guess what you're doing right now? What happened three weeks ago, I'll put that down to sheer bad luck. Anything that happens now, that's on you. So get your house in order, Cougar, cause I don't want to have to do anything about it and Jensen keeps trying to talk to me about his feelings.” 

Clay stubbed out his cigarette and got up to go back inside. Cougar stayed where he was, staring at the beetle running back and forth across the toe of his boot. He was going to have to do something about Jensen sooner or later, if he was going to stay with the team. And he wanted to. He wanted to stay with his family. But at some point, he was going to have to talk about everything with Jensen, and he wasn't good at that. It felt wrong to ask anyone else to help him put together what he wanted to say. There wasn't much that they could hide from each other, living in close quarters like they did, but if he didn't know what he wanted to say, how would someone else? Well, maybe Pooch. He'd managed to get Jolene to marry him, after all, he had to know something about situations like this one. Even if he did, Cougar didn't like the idea of discussing this with anyone but Jensen. He just had to find a chance to talk about it.

* * *

Clay and Aisha were in town, and Cougar was sitting on an upside down bucket in the front yard, handing tools to Pooch. The man was talking about himself in the third person again, but Cougar mostly ignored his chatter, gaze fixed on the engine block. The screen door to the safehouse opened and Jensen said that Jolene wanted to Skype with Pooch. The blond stepped to the side out of Pooch's way, then paused, staring at Cougar with a question in his eyes as he held the door open. Cougar tossed the wrench he was holding back into the toolbox and went around the side of the house to let himself in through the side door.

* * *

Jensen had finally managed to get his hands back on his laptop, and had been sitting on the couch for the last three hours, completely lost to the world. For the last hour or so, Cougar had been sitting silently across the room as he broke down and rebuilt a pistol twice. He glanced at his watch, went to find Pooch in the kitchen, and told him that Jensen needed to take two pills from the bottle on the coffee table. When Pooch asked why he hadn't told Jensen himself, he went upstairs and sat in the windowsill of his bedroom until the sun set.

* * *

Jensen was in the kitchen, alone, scrolling through his phone as he worked his way through a family size bag of Cheetos. He looked up as Cougar came to the doorway but didn't say anything. Cougar stared at him until Jensen started to speak, then turned and all but ran down the hallway.

* * *

Cougar woke up in the middle of the night, chest heaving, breath coming in pants, and knew he wasn't going to get back to sleep. Not after he'd seen Jensen slump to the floor with a bloody hole in his chest. He moved down the hallway to the door of Jensen's room and hesitated for a moment before sliding to sit on the floor. He stayed there, keeping watch, until he heard the bed squeak and feet hit the floor, letting him know that Jensen had survived another night. He was outside before Jensen opened the door.

* * *

“Pooch found that soda you like,” Jensen said to Cougar's closed bedroom door. “I thought you might want some even though you didn't come down to dinner.” He'd knocked on it a few times but had gotten no response even though he knew the other man was inside. It was obvious to all of them that Cougar had been avoiding him recently, and he couldn't understand why. To his knowledge, he hadn't done anything wrong. Or maybe he had. “Cougs? You mad at me? Whatever it is, I'll apologise... For anything. I promise.”

* * *

“Team meeting in the kitchen,” Aisha told him as she walked past him. 

Cougar didn't respond, but he did get up and follow her. Jensen was sitting at the table, Pooch getting something out of the fridge as Clay stood near the door with arms crossed and Aisha at his side. What, had his CO thought he wouldn't show up? Or more likely, he was annoyed at how his team was still out of whack, but Jensen had found something on Max that couldn't wait to be addressed. He sat down across the table from Jensen, carefully avoiding any eye contact, and waited for the meeting to begin. He could hear Pooch cross the room behind him, and then... the door locked. 

“Hijo de puta,” he snarled, immediately on his feet. Even though he knew it was futile, he tried the doorknob, and only got more frustrated when it refused to turn. He smacked the door with his hand and took a step back. They would have thought to lock the other door, which led to the yard, and the window was too small for him to fit through. He was trapped. 

“I said I didn't want to have to do anything, Cougar,” Clay said from the other side of the door. “But if you're gonna act like a goddamn child, I'm gonna treat you like one. We're just gonna be sitting here watching tv, so we'll check in on you in a few hours.” 

There were three sets of footsteps moving away from the door, and Cougar swore under his breath again. Damn it all. He knew Clay was going to leave him in here until he ended up talking with Jensen, and a small part of him knew he sort of deserved it. But that didn't mean he liked it at all. He stalked across the room to check the other door, anyway, and nearly cursed when it too was locked. He realised Jensen had been pretty quiet through the whole thing so far and stopped to look up at him.

* * *

Jensen was nervous about this whole thing. He'd asked Clay for help multiple times, but the older man had always refused, saying it wasn't his place to meddle. At least until Jensen had gotten really annoying, because he knew the right way to push everyone's buttons, and that Clay did care despite the grumpy dad vibes. Jensen wasn't going to say he was anyone's favourite – well, before now, he would have claimed to be Cougar's without hesitation – but his team did like him. And they were willing to go along with this to give him a chance at talking to the man who had been his best friend up until two months ago. Probably because they were all equally tired of Cougar avoiding him at every opportunity and hearing Jensen complain about it. 

Cougar stopped pacing faster than he thought, and Jensen held out his hand. There were a thousand words tangled up behind his lips, but he knew that if he just started rambling, it would drive Cougar off. Instead he stayed silent, staring at Cougar unflinching, until Cougar sighed softly and sat back down at the table. He didn't take Jensen's hand, but Jensen was still counting it as progress since he'd been pretty sure he would have to wait at least half an hour for the sniper to stop trying to escape. Maybe Cougar liked him better than he thought, but Jensen hadn't been able to read his friend's emotions since the hospital, and it left him unsure of how to proceed. 

“Heya, Cougs,” he said quietly. “I don't know why you're mad, but please talk to me? I don't... I don't like not knowing what you're thinking. I don't like not being friends. The team is great, and I know they've got my back. But you've always been looking out for me, and now you're not, and I hate that I'm losing you when I don't even know what I did wrong, so I want to fix it but I haven't been able to figure out what's got you so pissed. Will you just tell me? Please? I wanna make things right.” 

Throughout his rambling, Cougar had been sitting with his head tilted down, his shoulders tense and hands clenched in front of him. Now he looked up, and Jensen was floored to see that the other man looked to be fighting back tears. Oh God, what had he done? Had he misread everything? What had he said that could have Cougar so upset? Cougar didn't cry, he never cried, Jensen had seen him get shot and not even make a sound. This was his fault, he needed to apologise and find a way to live with Cougar being a stranger because Jensen wouldn't hurt him for the world – 

“It's not you.” 

Jensen frowned. It was the first time Cougar had spoken to him in two months, part of him was ecstatic to hear that low, soft voice directed toward him again. But if whatever had happened wasn't his fault, then why was Cougar acting the way he was? When the other man reached up and took his hat off, setting it on the table between them, Jensen's breath nearly caught in his chest. Cougar never took his hat off in front of other people, it just wasn't done, and that meant that this had to be serious. For a moment he wanted to call it off. Chicken out of this whole conversation and tell Clay things were patched up between them, and just suffer in silence. But then Cougar spoke again. 

“I promised he wouldn't hurt you. I didn't see him pull his gun. I'm...” Cougar took a shuddering breath, his gaze fixed on where he knew Jensen's injury was under his shirt. “I'm responsible.” His voice cracked on the last word. 

“Oh, Cougar, no. No you're not. Nobody blames you, _I_ don't blame you, it was just bad luck.” 

“You were thinking about me! You said! You were thinking about me, and you got distracted, and you almost got killed. It was my fault!” 

“No, it's not,” Jensen insisted, standing up to lean over the table and make his point more emphatically. But the sudden movement made him sway, and he had to catch himself from falling over. Cougar was at his side in a moment, keeping him steady, eyes full of concern. Rather than let him move away, Jensen grabbed a handful of his shirt and shifted to look him in the eye. “You're not responsible. I don't blame you. I just want you back, Cougs, please, it's killing me to not have you by my side. I need you.” 

There were only a few inches between them. Seized by impulse, Jensen leaned forward and kissed Cougar. For a second, the other man was motionless, stiff with shock, and he made no move to return it. Jensen started to pull back, an apology already forming in his mind. He'd miscalculated, badly, and he hoped that he hadn't just messed everything up by not thinking ahead. It didn't surprise him that Cougar didn't want him, it just hurt, but he could cover that up if it meant he got to keep the man as a friend. 

But then Cougar kissed him back, pressing close as one hand settled lightly on Jensen's hip and the other cupped his face. Jensen lost himself in the feeling, of Cougar's warm hands and soft mouth and the noise he made when Jensen bit his lower lip. He didn't know how long they kissed, but when he pulled back to collect his thoughts, Cougar's hair was a mess and he was breathless. 

“I thought you hated me,” Jensen whispered. 

“I hated myself,” Cougar corrected him, just as quietly, and Jensen kissed him again. 

“That's not allowed.” 

“That's a funny thing to say.” 

“I don't care. I love you.” 

It slipped out before Jensen could think about it, and he froze, unsure of how Cougar would respond. The sniper looked just as shocked. But before Jensen even had time to think about all the ways he might have just messed up, Cougar was pulling him close again, kissing him even more ferociously than before. And that, the blond decided as he put his arms around Cougar, was the only thing that mattered to either of them.


End file.
